Mistakes and guilt
by thelordsnow
Summary: Jon finds Robb and is surprised by the rush of emotion he experiences. rated M for slash


If things had gone differently it may be another person stood before him across the tent right now. Or at least the same person in a different position. Looking at Robb had always been like looking at a double sided mirror. On one side he saw the man he wanted to be, wanting to be just and fair and make their fathers ghost proud.

The other showed the man he was, mistakes and guilt burned into his peircing blue eyes.

Jon's fist clenched in longing, crushing the letter he was holding in dry fingers. Robb sighed and rose from where he was sat, running a hand through his messy hair. He looked gaunt and the shadow that normally covered his cheeks had grown into a beard that made the boy of seven and ten years look so much older. The man grunted in pain making Jon slip forward another step, but he remained in the shadows. To all the world, Robb Stark was dead and Jon snow was king. Or at least should be king. The messenger had come in the night, as mysterious as mysterious comes. Jon knew of Robb's love for him, but heir of the north, a true Stark…it made Jon shiver.

The tent was sparse, a bed roll here, a chair there. the fomer king's bloodied clothes lay in a heap near the entrance and the scent of regret drifted towards Jon so strongly he had to swallow to stop himself screaming. He didn't know how to make himself known, or how the man would take it. They had been close once, but what had grief and despair done to that relationship? He dreaded this as much as he had leaving the wall. What is the worse he can do?_ He is weak i am armed…oh robb…_he was limping over to his make-shift bed grunting in pain with every step. Jon took a breath and stepped hesitantly into the light. His mouth opened to announce himself but at the moment the words were cut off in his throat as Robb pulled his shirt over his head revealing the pale surface of his skin, warped with sweat and tense with pain. Jon choked, swallowing his sigh of anguish. He took another step forward, and then another. Silently he approached his half brother, and softly reached out a hand to press against the mans back. Robb span, catching Jon's arm but he was weak and Jon had him on the floor below him as quickly as he had once had when they were boys. 'who-' then it was his turn to choke. Jon straddled Robb's waist, so he had full view of Jon's face. He watched the red haired mans expression flit between shock to confusion and finally thoughtful.

'J-Jon, what…what are you…?'

'i could ask the same of you' he rolled off and fell down on the floor beside him. Jon could hear Robb's laboured breathing but held his own. This had been the first time they had been this close since the night before leaving Winterfell; it felt strange.

'i couldn't…couldn't do it Jon' he said, but Jon waited; he didn't think that was all he wanted to say. After a moment he was proven correct

'Jeyne and being King and missing you…the lies i had to tell Jon. I couldn't do it, knowing what…what you would think if you knew. How ashamed you would be of me.' that shocked Jon so much all he could do was lie there stunned into silence. He could feel the guilt of leaving robb returning, the pain in his chest growing.

'i wouldn't be ashamed of you' he replied quietly 'i never could be Robb. Not if you're still…' he stopped and turned his head away

'still what?' there was an anticipation in his voice, or was it accusation? Jon blinked away the blush that appeared on his coarse cheeks and stared up at the roof of the tent before replying

'if i was still yours.' there was no reply, and for a moment Jon's stomach sank and a sharp pain in his heart brought heat to his eyes. To his surprise however he felt a finger tracing his wrist and brought his head round to face Robb's face. He followed his gaze down to their now entwined fingers and the trailed back across his bare but wounded chest back up to his face. Robb was frowning but Jon just blinked at him. Every hair on his body stood on end as if his skin were alive with energy. After a moment he exhaled, caught in that dizziness that always seemed to make an appearance every time Robb was this close. Oh he had missed this. 'you're mine' Jon whispered and gently pressed his lips into his brothers. It was as if the entire tent stood on a precipice so high not even the roots of the Gods could not reach them. He trailed his free hand over Robb's chest, pausing at the slightly swollen puncture mark just below his ribcage. Robb groaned and bit Jon's lip hard, making him flinch.'im sorry' he breathed into Robb's neck before pressing forward with his body as well as his lips.

'don't apologise…' Robb responded. Jon grimaced and pulled back

'no. I'm sorry for everything. For leaving. For saying goodbye…' he stuttered on the last weird and suddenly they were kissing through tears whether his own or Robb's or both he had no idea but his hands were on his waist and in his hair and he shook with relief as Robb found the lace of his jerking and then there was nothing between their skin and the cold meant nothing. Jon pulled away first and sat up, disoriented.

' Jon?' he closed his mouth to stop the sobs and rubbed away the free running tears.

'dead…' an emptiness filled him as if a wave of doubt had washed over his limbs. Robb's cool hand pressed against his back but instead of soothing him like it usually did, it scared him. Was this real? Jon felt fingers creeping up his spine, and then lips and a warmth spreading through his body, a dry moan coming from the back of his throat. 'is this real?' he repeated aloud, trying to dismiss the growing heat in the pit of his stomach.

'stop remembering Jon, let go…' Robb's hand crept around to slip across his thigh and then…

'oh' Jon gasped, shocked at his own reaction. Gods he had forgotten, but he didn't want to forget. He let Robb continue, ignoring the growing sense of unease in his mind. He let his head fall back against Robb's chest. It felt divine, being one with his lover again. He reached back and wrapped his arms around his brothers neck, relishing in his warmth. 'Robb i missed you, i - i always will…' he moved in time with Robb, feeling home for the first time since leaving Winterfell. 'i love you Robb' he could picture it clearly; Robb red cheeked. There were snowflakes melting in his hair…

'snow!' he said aloud as a sharp pain stabbed into his hand. He bolted upright. The room was dark, his eyes glazed. Mormont's raven pecked at his hand impatiently. 'snow?' it cawed. Jon sighed, another dream. It felt as if a pale of icy water had been poured into his chest. The letter before him lay curling at the edges, determined not to lay flat. He picked it up and read it again, then he placed it down and rubbed a hand across his face. _I could be king. He wanted me to be king._ And in that moment he was content. Since forever he had been Robb's, but now he knew that Robb was his too.


End file.
